Jordan Dempster on the delicious consequences of economic crisis in Europe.
So I'm doing a Bachelor of Communication here at Massey, which makes perfectly suited to spout off any thoughts that come to mind in an organised manner. (In fact, I do this through the esteemed pages of CHAFF on a regular basis.) One thing this degree does not qualify me to do is perform a detailed analysis of a global financial crisis.
However, that is exactly what I am going to do.
You see, the term “Double-Dip Recession” has been bandied around a lot in the last few weeks. The Eurozone debt is threatening to send us back into another crisis of epic proportions. (Yay!) However, there is some hope. There is a chosen one who is predicted to come back and save us in our time of dire need…
No, it isn't Luke Skywalker or Jesus. It's me. So sit back as I perform a critical analysis of the world economic situation and figure out ways to stave off impending doom.
The fact is, we need a more serious name for our current situation. A “Double-Dip” just sounds like a kick-ass ice cream. Seriously, you can go to the movies, all ready for Glee: The 3D Experience and grab yourself a chocolate dipped ice cream (though thinking about it, maybe this scenario is just as terrifying as a worldwide financial collapse).
But imagine for a second that you had the option of getting an ice cream that had been double-dipped in chocolate. Mind. Blown. How could such a thing even remotely seem negative? So we need a name for the global meltdown that carries more weight than the cast of New Zealand's Next Top Model. Originally I was going to go with “Debtopocalypse” or “Defaultonloanaggedon”, but they just didn't have the X factor I was looking for. So I decided to go with “The Crunch: Humanity's Debtstruction,” and if you wouldn’t want to pay $17.40 (with valid student ID) to see that in 3D, then you have no soul.
So strap yourself in and prepare to accept the advice of someone so unqualified in econimics that they can't even spell it.
This whole thing started with those greedy Wall Street fat cats back in '08, at the same time Obama was broadcasting his message of hope and change (rather than his current message which seems to be, “Please! Help Me!”). That, however, is ancient history now. The present crisis stems from the debt crisis in Europe.
Ireland, Portugal and most recently Greece have gone down hill pretty fast, and if they can't pay their debts then the European Union will have to step in and sort it out - which costs everyone else money and doesn't really help anyone at all. If, however, the EU do nothing, then one or more of their member countries goes down the drain and they look bad - meaning people lose confidence and that really doesn't help anyone. So it’s most likely they’ll eventually get their act together and bail them out, but you have to wonder if there is something systemically wrong with the European countries. Too many siestas, perhaps?
It really has been a different sort of situation to the American collapse back in 2008, even though some have compared Greece to Lehman Brothers, the investment firm that collapsed and triggered the first recession. If Greece does go down it could cause a dramatic domino effect that would send shockwaves throughout the world.
Now – again, bearing in mind that I have no idea what I'm talking about - let me present several alternatives techniques to deal with the crises that have in no way been thought through.
My first plan to save Greece is to cut it off from the mainland. I don't mean economically, I mean physically. They have so many unemployed people that we could get it done fairly quickly. The next step in this increasingly convoluted plan is to tow the entire country through the Suez Canal; we may have to tip it on its side, but it can be done. Then it's a quick trip to the South Pacific. While we are towing Greece merrily along, their unemployed will be put to work again, this time painting the entire country black and white. I know this sounds unusual, but once we reach the South Pacific, we judge the currents and let 'em loose.
With any luck, Greece will wash up on the shores of a primitive nation where the locals will adopt it as their own and make it a national hero. After spending much of their GDP restoring it to health, they will let it back into the wild, where it will flourish. Or be eaten by a shark.
That solution not convincing to you? Don’t worry – I have more! You could resort to plainly refusing to acknowledge that you are even in trouble, even as the entire country falls apart. In fact, if there is an important decision to be made by a deadline, why not get your entire parliament to argue about it until the very last day? That could work. I mean, it's not as if the livelihoods of millions of people are actually important. Then you can just start a few unjustified wars on something that sounds really scary. Maybe the War on Bitchiness, or the War on Jersey Shore. (Actually, that last one may have some merit.) Once you have taken all these steps and effectively bankrupted your country you...um...you. Shit, that didn't quite work out. Oh well, you're still the greatest country in the world.
Look, all jesting aside, the world economy is me after a walk down to the dairy. It's barely breathing, using the last of its energy to drag itself towards the reward of a soggy Irvines pie. Will it make it? Who knows. Will it affect us too much in New Zealand? Well, that is the important thing, isn't it?
You see, with New Zealand exporting and importing large amounts of goods with the Asian markets, we should be somewhat buffered from the rest of the world, if the politicians are to be believed. (Wow, I can't believe I just suggested that you trust a politician. I must be losing my cynicism in my old age.) Whether the European economic travails will actually force us back into a recession remains to be seen, but either way, it could be another hard few years before the world bounces back from the brink of debtstruction.
In the meantime, spare a thought for those poor Greeks who may not be able to retire at 57 any more. That truly is a Greek tragedy.
